In Search of Silence

It has been quite awhile since I have been able to sit down here and write anything. The last three weeks or so have been nothing but drama filled. There have been a lot of ups and downs for me recently and I am beginning to feel overwhelmed and depressed. I want nothing more right now than to be able to sit in silence, by myself, and not even hear the sounds of my own thoughts.
Thankfully there are a few positives to start off with. I started my job on the 10th and I think that I am really going to enjoy it. Granted I am, and will be for the next 5 months, in extensive training. By last night my brain was fried. I sat all day Thursday and Friday sitting in a room listening to a woman read me the manuals I had sitting in front of me. It was dreadfully boring. I have, however, gotten to shadow some other workers and I have been able to observe a lot. I have done a lot of home visits and gone to court a few times. This Friday I got to help develop a case plan for a family. I love the job already and I am very excited to learn more and be able to start having my own cases. It will be an extremely stressful and often times heartbreaking job, though. In the last two weeks I have already seen things that are devastating and disturbing. It is going to be difficult at times. There are going to be times when I am not going to be able to do much for a child because often times our hands are legally tied. I am going have to try very hard to think about the many children and families that I will help and not dwell on the ones that I can’t. It’s a terrible thing to have to think that way, but it is the only way I think I will be able to handle this job. I am also feeling rather intimidated about the massive amounts of paperwork that I have to keep up with. Being a government agency, there must always be a paper trail of anything we do. It will take awhile to get the hang of all the different forms and protocols. But, I still love it!
I also bought a brand spankin’ new truck and I love, love, love it!!

There has also been a lot of drama lately in regards to Kris. I am staying at my mom’s and it seems as if everyday he calls me he is in a different mood. He goes from talking calmly and maturely to being irate and mean and hateful. It has been awful. Last night I had to call his mother at 4 o’clock in the morning because he called me and started telling me that he was a waste of space in this world and he couldn’t be happy or make anyone happy so he didn’t even need to be around. He was absolutely trashed and threatening to hurt himself. I don’t know if it sounds wrong or not, but I don’t want anymore drama. I am tired emotionally and mentally, all I want is silence.

I am exhausted.