Survivor....or Not

It never fails. Every year there seems to be some sort of event that sends all the repressed thoughts and feelings I have rushing to the surface. The reports of the accident involving the 16 yr old and the skateboarder have done just that. Not only have I been having a difficult time dealing with all the surfaced emotions in relation to my own car accident, I have also found that many other repressed emotions are surfacing in regards to some other aspects of my life, especially my divorce.
For reasons unbeknownst to me, I have been thinking a lot about my ex and our very short lived marriage. I have an absolutely wonderful boyfriend now who treats me better that I have ever been treated in my life. I deserve that, I think. I can honestly say that I am happier now than I ever have been. Things seem to be looking up. Two weeks ago I moved in with Kris. It has been 3 years since I lived with anyone. I have discovered that in those three years I have went from someone who was desperately afraid to be alone (very dependent), to someone who very independent, almost to the point of it being a fault. I allow no one in. I know it’s not all PB’s (the ex) fault, but I find myself blaming him (and my father) for some of my short comings.
The latter half of my 1 ½ year marriage and my divorce were ugly. PB was a meth addict and cheater. He abused me in more ways than one and took any ounce of self esteem I had regained after my accident away from me. I was not allowed to have friends unless they were his, he would go through my closet periodically and throw away any clothes that he felt were “inappropriate” (basically anything that wasn’t a baggy sweatshirt or pants), he often followed me to work or school, the list goes on, it was ugly. Towards the end, he had an affair. Just like my Dad had 10 years earlier. I don’t think there was a day during those last months of the marriage that I didn’t bawl so hard that I threw up. It was horrible, and yet when it all ended I was still devastated.
I remember driving down the street, about 6 months after the divorce, all of the sudden it was if the heavy fog clouding my brain lifted. “This is it. This is my life now. It’s over. I am alone.” I have never felt so panicked in my entire life. I had no idea what I was going to do with myself or how I was going to do it. The life I had envisioned for myself was gone. No husband. No children. Nothing. I had absolutely no self esteem. I was deflated. I was lost.
In the months following, I quickly developed an attitude that I am now desperately trying to change. After my parents divorced, due to the affair my father had, I was slightly jaded about the whole relationship/marriage thing. Not enough, however, to steer clear from such things. After my divorce though, well, jaded is an understatement. I have learned that you can depend on nobody but yourself. If they don’t cheat on you or leave, there’s always the possibility of illness or death. That’s just life. So be it. Only Avery can assure a future for Avery.
For the last three years I have worked diligently on making a life for myself. Last year I received a Bachelors degree in Psychology and got my State licensing to sell insurance. I obtained a fairly decent job. I lived in a house by myself. I took care of all the things that needed to be done on my own. I mowed the lawn, planted a garden, repaired toilets, etc. I did it all. By myself. The first year was rough. I hated being alone and I slept a lot. But, as time went on I got used to it and I actually found that I enjoyed doing things on my own. I liked my “Avery” time. I needed it.
I realize that it is a great thing to be able to do things on your own. But, I fear that my experiences have jaded me to a point of being detrimental to my mental health and happiness. It has been very difficult for me to move in with Kris. I feel as if I have lost some sort of control in my life. I am deathly afraid of getting hurt again and I feel that my strong independent attitude is hurting rather than helping. I feel bad for Kris. He tries his hardest to help me with things, not because I need it, but because he wants to. All he wants is for me to be happy. I know this. But, I just can’t allow myself to depend on him for anything. We have actually gotten into arguments because I hardly ever let him pay for anything (dinner, movie, etc). He has made the comment before that it’s like I don’t want anyone to care about me. Maybe he’s right. But, how sad is that? Damn you for turning me into this PB!! The minute I find myself having strong feelings for someone I began pushing them away. Luckily, Kris and I have a very good relationship and we communicate very well. I have discussed my thoughts and feelings about these things with him and he is very patient with me. He seems to understand. But, it is so unfair to him. I’m afraid that if I don’t change my attitude that I will lose him. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be jaded and negative, I don’t. But, I don’t know how to make it go away. It’s possible that it never will entirely. But, there has to be some sort of middle ground here, doesn’t there? I have always prided myself on being a survivor. I have made it through a lot of difficult shit. But, have I really survived if I allow things to affect me in such a negative way, so many years later?